I had a baby.
I rocked pregnancy. I rocked labor. And now I had a newborn baby to care for.
When I was pregnant, it seemed that everyone had a piece of advice. Most of it was unsolicited so I just smiled and nodded. It fell mainly along these lines: "Don't expect to sleep at night...or during the day...really, just don't plan to sleep," "He will cry inconsolably for hours and hours and hours," "Each outfit will only get a few hours of wear before the poo and spit-up make an appearance...and that goes for your own outfits too," etc. Sure I was told that he'd be really cute and I'd love holding him, but that was rarely the focus of conversation. I was starting to wonder if having a baby could really be worth it.
I rocked pregnancy. I rocked labor. And now I had a newborn baby to care for.
When I was pregnant, it seemed that everyone had a piece of advice. Most of it was unsolicited so I just smiled and nodded. It fell mainly along these lines: "Don't expect to sleep at night...or during the day...really, just don't plan to sleep," "He will cry inconsolably for hours and hours and hours," "Each outfit will only get a few hours of wear before the poo and spit-up make an appearance...and that goes for your own outfits too," etc. Sure I was told that he'd be really cute and I'd love holding him, but that was rarely the focus of conversation. I was starting to wonder if having a baby could really be worth it.
I'm tired, but not in the way I expected. I'm tired of people solely depicting the hardships of being a new mom. I'm angry, but not for the reason I expected. I'm angry that people don't talk much about the sweet moments of parenthood. They mention the funny: I knew having a kid would grant me funny stories, but I didn't know about the sweet. Maybe it's because many of the sweet moments have an almost sacred feel, but I wish I'd known that they'd happen so frequently. My goal is to share ALL of motherhood: the sweet, the exhausting, and the things I learn along the way.
Maybe you know/knew exactly what to expect with your first baby and think that I'm overdoing it. If so, you likely had plenty of experiences with babies before your own. That is not my story. I'm the youngest child of 5 and I'm the first to have a baby. I babysat some, but had no idea what to do with babies so I didn't enjoy it. This post is for people with a more similar background to me, or anyone really, who wants to know what makes being a mom worth it.
Sawyer is already 2 months old, but I want to start at the beginning. Thankfully, this is possible since I write in my journal every day. I write his age, his milestones, our routines, and my feelings. I haven't missed a day since we got back from the hospital (I am unabashedly tooting my own horn at that) and while Sawyer is currently only 2 months old, I've already referenced it several times.
Maybe you know/knew exactly what to expect with your first baby and think that I'm overdoing it. If so, you likely had plenty of experiences with babies before your own. That is not my story. I'm the youngest child of 5 and I'm the first to have a baby. I babysat some, but had no idea what to do with babies so I didn't enjoy it. This post is for people with a more similar background to me, or anyone really, who wants to know what makes being a mom worth it.
Sawyer is already 2 months old, but I want to start at the beginning. Thankfully, this is possible since I write in my journal every day. I write his age, his milestones, our routines, and my feelings. I haven't missed a day since we got back from the hospital (I am unabashedly tooting my own horn at that) and while Sawyer is currently only 2 months old, I've already referenced it several times.
Things you should know before reading The Baby Diaries:
1. My entries will be blunt as I think it is ridiculous that our culture leads us to be embarrassed over our bodies doing what they were created to do. I'll make a point not to be overly graphic, but there are a lot of things that I wish people would have told me that happen during childbirth or with a baby that they held back due to embarrassment.
2. This is MY story. Yours will be different, but you likely have some similarities. For example, becoming a mom has been a very spiritual experience for me, but that may not be the case for everyone.
3. There will be some things I won't share, particularly if it involves someone else, like my husband. Some of these experiences are very personal and I think justice can still be done for you, dear reader, in simply knowing that there are things that I, a very open writer, see as too dear to display to the public.
3. There will be some things I won't share, particularly if it involves someone else, like my husband. Some of these experiences are very personal and I think justice can still be done for you, dear reader, in simply knowing that there are things that I, a very open writer, see as too dear to display to the public.
My first 2 days being a mom
It was 8:05 pm and Sawyer had just said hello to the world. The midwife handed him over immediately for me to snuggle skin-to-skin with and I swear that he made eye contact. I was in shock that there was a complete, perfect little human being that with God's help, my husband and I had created. He, like most babies, had dark eyes and looked a little alien-esque. Chandler (my husband) and I were instantly in love with him. We were never ones to ooh and aww over babies and I wasn't even baby hungry until labor, but this love came on strong. Like, stronger than Mr. Universe.
 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr. Universe 1969 (Do some women really find this attractive?!) |
After we each got to hold Sawyer for a few minutes, the nurses took him for his weigh-in and health assessment: 4 lbs 15 oz and perfectly healthy. My whole stay the hospital staff frequently referenced my birth plan and once he was born they had the waivers for procedures that I planned to refuse all ready for me to sign, like the eye ointment. They were respectful of my wishes and never tried to convince me of anything against it. This went against EVERYTHING I had been told, "Hospitals never respect your wishes," "You're just a number to them," etc. Maybe some are like that, but American Fork Hospital was not. They encouraged kangaroo care (skin-to-skin), breastfeeding, and procrastinating the use of a bottle, so as soon as I got him back (5 min tops), I nursed. He latched without too much trouble and I felt the bond that resulted from knowing that I was providing what he needed to live.
My in-laws came when Sawyer was an hour old and I was too tired to be any kind of host. I so wanted to be that woman who would make people think with exasperation, "Wow, is there anything that can make her look bad?!." But that was not me. Not even close. Yet, when I look at those pictures of myself, after a slight cringe, I'm reminded of the strength I found in myself during labor. I did something amazing and what I got from it, my little boy, makes it even more amazing.
The family visit got a little weird when the midwife came in to help me with my first postpartum bathroom trip... Thank goodness that I was able to pee without any pain since groaning would have been awkward for everyone involved. Thankfully it took me almost 2 days before I needed to do the other bathroom deed and thanks to the provided stool softeners, that was pain free too.
I'd heard a lot about postpartum bleeding, but mine wasn't too bad. The heavy bleeding was only for about a day and was not the heaviest period of my life, though that's a common headline for it. While still doing my 48 hours in the hospital (the recommended amount post birth) I was able to move on from the postnatal diaper-like pads - I pitied Sawyer when I realized that he'd have to wear diapers for years to come- and was to liners in about a week. Not too bad. Oh, and the cotton panties they provide are SO comfortable. I hoarded those.
Pretty much the only painful postpartum experiences for me were sitting, since my perineum was swollen from pushing, and passing gas which felt like a contraction. Overall I thought I had a lot to be grateful for in that regard.
At night, when I could sleep, I slept in 2 hour chunks since Sawyer needed to nurse frequently. A lot of chunks I stayed awake for since I got nervous to after hearing that choking on spit-up and suffocating from a blanket could happen. Not on my watch! Chandler and I took turns staying awake so the other could catch some sleep. By that I mean that he took his turn sleeping, then would force me to sleep since I wanted to stay up to snuggle our baby and reply to texts, calls, etc. from people who wanted to know how we were doing. I'm pretty sure he took both from me at several points during our stay.
I will never forget the sight of Sawyer, our tiny, newborn baby, curled up and sleeping soundly on Chandler's chest. Or the expression on Chandler's face as he got to hold him and experienced his first finger squeeze.
After several exhausting hours, we realized that our system wasn't working and let the nurses take him into the nursery. I struggled with this decision, but was comforted by the thought that getting sleep would help me to be a better mom. And it did. The nurses watched him really closely and as soon as he started to root (show signs of hunger) they'd bring him back. I could sleep with the confidence that he was being taken care of. They even changed a couple of diapers. He didn't cry until right before we left the hospital which was a blessing and a curse. It meant that we weren't kept awake by him crying, but we also had no real way to know when he needed something.
Since Sawyer was under 5 lbs, the staff recommended supplementing his feedings with formula. We were nervous about introducing a bottle, so the nurses gave us a long syringe to put in the corner of his mouth while he breastfed and Chandler administered formula that way. Looking back, I'm not sure that we would have supplemented at all. I've always had plenty of milk for him (at this point colostrum) and he always gained more than the needed amount of weight. He had seemingly painful gas frequently which we think may have been related to using the formula.
When it came to nursing, it came pretty naturally to both me and baby Sawyer. The hospital had a lactation consultant who came to evaluate Sawyer's latch, and said it was perfect, although I hadn't done anything to promote that. However, it was incredibly painful that first week. My nipples must have been taken by surprise because they were definitely not ready for such frequent feeding. They were chapped and I found myself cringing throughout the whole experience. It was still worth it to me to have the bonding time with Sawyer and he's so cute when he nurses, but ouch! The lactation consultant gave me some Lanolin and Soothies (cold gel nipple covers) to help, but they took about a week to heal.
I am not a naturally modest person. I was that girl in high school who wanted my friends to see how cute my panties were while changing for PE. However, once I got married that changed and I wanted my body to be for Chandler's eyes only. This means that for the past three years I have been modest to the point of being uncomfortable with cleavage showing (not that it was ever hard to hide before my milk came in), too tight of pants (I still go tight, but I draw the line at leggings for pants), and no bikini (I'd have way too many boys wanting my number (; ). This modesty standard changed again in the hospital. I mean, what modesty could I possibly have left after a whole team of strangers witness me giving birth? This lowered standard served me well for the rest of my hospital stay. My nipples were too sore from nursing for me to wear the robe so I went around topless. The girls needed some good ol' healthy air. It was a little awkward when the male pediatrician came in once without a post-knock pause, but I'm sure that seeing more of people than you could ever want comes with the territory when you work at a hospital.
I know what you, dear reader, really want to know. How was the hospital food? It was a bit of hit or miss. Everything was good enough to finish, but only a few things were really good. Pretty much just breakfast was. At my hospital, I got all the free food I wanted, but my husband only got one meal. Being the cheapskates we are, we worked out a system where I would order a couple sides more than I could eat, then with sharing, it was perfect for both of us. As a dessertaholic, I felt more than a little proud that I only got 3 desserts the whole 2 1/2 day stay...and I shared them! That last part is an accomplishment in itself!
Mainly due to the preceding paragraph, we began to count down until 8 pm when we could check out. We planned on being out right away, but hadn't realized how much stuff we'd need to pack up. At 10 pm I was wheeled out to car and we had our first car ride with baby Sawyer. Being completely alone as a family without anyone to interrupt us was a sweet experience. I was a little nervous for being away from the nurses' careful watch, but excited to learn what motherhood was really like.
I had a baby and my journey into motherhood was just beginning.
My in-laws came when Sawyer was an hour old and I was too tired to be any kind of host. I so wanted to be that woman who would make people think with exasperation, "Wow, is there anything that can make her look bad?!." But that was not me. Not even close. Yet, when I look at those pictures of myself, after a slight cringe, I'm reminded of the strength I found in myself during labor. I did something amazing and what I got from it, my little boy, makes it even more amazing.
The family visit got a little weird when the midwife came in to help me with my first postpartum bathroom trip... Thank goodness that I was able to pee without any pain since groaning would have been awkward for everyone involved. Thankfully it took me almost 2 days before I needed to do the other bathroom deed and thanks to the provided stool softeners, that was pain free too.
I'd heard a lot about postpartum bleeding, but mine wasn't too bad. The heavy bleeding was only for about a day and was not the heaviest period of my life, though that's a common headline for it. While still doing my 48 hours in the hospital (the recommended amount post birth) I was able to move on from the postnatal diaper-like pads - I pitied Sawyer when I realized that he'd have to wear diapers for years to come- and was to liners in about a week. Not too bad. Oh, and the cotton panties they provide are SO comfortable. I hoarded those.
Pretty much the only painful postpartum experiences for me were sitting, since my perineum was swollen from pushing, and passing gas which felt like a contraction. Overall I thought I had a lot to be grateful for in that regard.
At night, when I could sleep, I slept in 2 hour chunks since Sawyer needed to nurse frequently. A lot of chunks I stayed awake for since I got nervous to after hearing that choking on spit-up and suffocating from a blanket could happen. Not on my watch! Chandler and I took turns staying awake so the other could catch some sleep. By that I mean that he took his turn sleeping, then would force me to sleep since I wanted to stay up to snuggle our baby and reply to texts, calls, etc. from people who wanted to know how we were doing. I'm pretty sure he took both from me at several points during our stay.
I will never forget the sight of Sawyer, our tiny, newborn baby, curled up and sleeping soundly on Chandler's chest. Or the expression on Chandler's face as he got to hold him and experienced his first finger squeeze.
When it came to nursing, it came pretty naturally to both me and baby Sawyer. The hospital had a lactation consultant who came to evaluate Sawyer's latch, and said it was perfect, although I hadn't done anything to promote that. However, it was incredibly painful that first week. My nipples must have been taken by surprise because they were definitely not ready for such frequent feeding. They were chapped and I found myself cringing throughout the whole experience. It was still worth it to me to have the bonding time with Sawyer and he's so cute when he nurses, but ouch! The lactation consultant gave me some Lanolin and Soothies (cold gel nipple covers) to help, but they took about a week to heal.
I am not a naturally modest person. I was that girl in high school who wanted my friends to see how cute my panties were while changing for PE. However, once I got married that changed and I wanted my body to be for Chandler's eyes only. This means that for the past three years I have been modest to the point of being uncomfortable with cleavage showing (not that it was ever hard to hide before my milk came in), too tight of pants (I still go tight, but I draw the line at leggings for pants), and no bikini (I'd have way too many boys wanting my number (; ). This modesty standard changed again in the hospital. I mean, what modesty could I possibly have left after a whole team of strangers witness me giving birth? This lowered standard served me well for the rest of my hospital stay. My nipples were too sore from nursing for me to wear the robe so I went around topless. The girls needed some good ol' healthy air. It was a little awkward when the male pediatrician came in once without a post-knock pause, but I'm sure that seeing more of people than you could ever want comes with the territory when you work at a hospital.
I know what you, dear reader, really want to know. How was the hospital food? It was a bit of hit or miss. Everything was good enough to finish, but only a few things were really good. Pretty much just breakfast was. At my hospital, I got all the free food I wanted, but my husband only got one meal. Being the cheapskates we are, we worked out a system where I would order a couple sides more than I could eat, then with sharing, it was perfect for both of us. As a dessertaholic, I felt more than a little proud that I only got 3 desserts the whole 2 1/2 day stay...and I shared them! That last part is an accomplishment in itself!
Mainly due to the preceding paragraph, we began to count down until 8 pm when we could check out. We planned on being out right away, but hadn't realized how much stuff we'd need to pack up. At 10 pm I was wheeled out to car and we had our first car ride with baby Sawyer. Being completely alone as a family without anyone to interrupt us was a sweet experience. I was a little nervous for being away from the nurses' careful watch, but excited to learn what motherhood was really like.
I had a baby and my journey into motherhood was just beginning.
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